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Millie

Certified 10/10 Good Girl • Professional Turkey • Independent Herding Contractor

Australian Shepherd / Collie mix. Based: wherever Katie is currently standing. Relentlessly food-motivated, chronically pink-nosed, extremely available for treats.

🟢 Actively good♡ 1st degree snuggles🎓 Mildly certified📍 Inside the kitchen

About

Passionate, results-oriented turkey sandwich with a proven track record of being extremely good. Specialties include: collecting all humans into one (1) room, surveying the premises for squirrel-related threats, and loving Katie so much it is mildly medically concerning. I believe that every moment is an opportunity for snacks, and that every snack is an opportunity for two more snacks. Let's sniff.

Experience

Chief Good Girl

Katie & Jon Household • Forever – Present

  • Exceeded all quarterly Good Girl targets by, at minimum, 10/10.
  • Spearheaded a company-wide initiative to gather everyone into the living room at 6:04pm daily.
  • Reduced human sadness by 94% through strategic deployment of snoot boops.
  • Successfully defended the home from the mailman 2,847 consecutive days. Mailman remains undefeated but shaken.

Senior Independent Herding Contractor

The Living Room, a subsidiary of The Couch • Birth – Present

  • Herded the cat (voluntary).
  • Herded Katie (involuntary but appreciated).
  • Herded a single leaf for approximately 40 minutes.
  • Herded the Roomba, which responded with aggression. Ongoing litigation.

VP, Turkey-Adjacent Affairs

The Kitchen Floor • Any time food is present

  • Maintained 24/7 crumb surveillance with 100% sub-second response times.
  • Pioneered 'the stare' — a proprietary methodology for acquiring bites of whatever you're eating.
  • Closed 88% of all cheese-related negotiations in under 6 seconds.

Junior Associate of Suspicious Leaves

The Backyard, LLC • Seasonal

  • Investigated 14,000+ individual leaves. 0 confirmed threats. Vigilance ongoing.
  • Alerted household to the presence of one (1) plastic bag in a timely manner.

Skills

Napping (advanced)Strategic Napping (expert)Napping While Being Watched (certified)Treat AcquisitionTreat Acquisition Under DuressSquirrel SurveillancePerimeter PatrolHerding (livestock)Herding (furniture)Herding (Katie)Herding (shadows, imaginary)Crumb Detection at DistanceLooking Very Sad StrategicallyLooking Very Happy GenuinelySnoot Booping (world class)Existing AdorablyBarking at the Correct Things*Pink Nose MaintenanceTurkey ImpressionsTurkey Sandwich CosplaySleeping Upside Down Without FallingTail Wagging (Olympic)Zoomies (cardio)Emotional Support (board certified)

*Correctness of things defined by Millie, not Google

Certifications & Credentials

  • 10/10 Good Girl — Lifetime Achievement

    Issued by: Katie

    GRL-0001

  • Founding Member — Pink Puppy Nose Club

    Self-issued, self-certified, fully legitimate

    PPNC-001

  • Certified Turkey (monster variant)

    Board of Turkeys, International Chapter

    TRK-🦃

  • Advanced Herding (non-ovine concentrations)

    Australian Shepherd Alumni Association

    HRD-42

  • Food Motivation, Level MAX

    Snack Sciences Institute

    SNK-9999

  • Registered Belly (class A, rubbable)

    Belly Bureau

    BLY-🥰

  • Licensed to Bark (restrictions apply)

    Municipal Woof Authority

    WF-88

Education

University of The Backyard

B.A., Sniffing Things • Minor: Tail Studies

Graduated summa cum puppa. Thesis: "On The Phenomenology of The Squirrel: A Refutation". Extracurriculars: Debate Team (captain), Leaf Appreciation Society.

Reference

“Millie is, without exaggeration, the single best thing that has ever happened to any living room, any couch, any kitchen floor, and any person alive, ever. She is a turkey. She is my turkey. I would die for her. 10/10, would adopt again, would recommend to a friend, a stranger, a sworn enemy. She is perfect and she knows it.”
— Katie, Chief Human Officer & Primary Belly Rub Technician